Nearby Is Not the Same as Present

On working from home, checking out, and trying to actually show up for my kids

I’ve read the parenting books. I have people in my life who are genuinely great parents and who I’ve watched closely. I came into this with more preparation than most dads do.

None of it fully prepared me for what I actually encountered.

Not because the books were wrong. Because knowing something and living it are completely different problems.

Here’s the one I kept running into: I work from home. After having kids I became more of a homebody. So I told myself that being around meant being present. I was in the room. I was available. I was there.

Except I was also on my phone. Distracted by work. Half-watching something on TV. Sometimes having a couple beers after work to decompress, which felt like relaxing but was really just checking out. I've since cut most of that out, and the difference in how present I feel in the evenings is noticeable. Physically in the room, mentally somewhere else entirely.

At some point I realized it would almost be better to be behind a closed door doing my own thing than to be sitting in front of a screen while my kids were right there wanting my attention.

I also did something else worth admitting. I built complexity everywhere. A detailed credit card portfolio. Elaborate financial tracking systems. I genuinely enjoy that kind of thing, and I got good at it. But at some point all of that optimization was crowding out the things that actually matter. Listening to my kids. Teaching them new things. Taking them places. Being the dad who is actually there, not just nearby.

So I started simplifying. And paying attention to what was worth keeping versus what I had just built out of habit.

This newsletter is that process, documented out loud.

I’m not writing from the other side of a solved problem. I’m writing from inside it. If you’re a dad who wants to be more intentional and keeps running into the gap between that intention and how your days actually go, you’re in the right place.

Let’s figure it out.

Jeff